Advanced driving manoeuvres

20 September 2016, 14:38 | Updated: 29 September 2016, 14:19

Traffic update: beware the woman who doesn't want to go to New Jersey.

If you have ever been to New Jersey, or have seen The Sopranos, you will understand the lady who panicked in front of the Lincoln Tunnel in New York that connects Manhattan to the place whose official state shell is the knobbled whelk. I am not making that up.

The state slogan of New Jersey is "come and see for yourself". This woman did not want to do that.

On driving through mid-town Manhattan, she found herself in one-way traffic heading towards the Lincoln Tunnel that goes under the Hudson River and emerges in the place whose state dinosaur is Jon Bon Jovi.

Just kidding, the official state dinosaur of New Jersey is the Hadrosaurus, from the Greek "hadros" meaning bulky and "saurus" meaning lizard. It is the state of the bulky lizard, also known as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

If you have ever accidentally found yourself approaching the Blackwall Tunnel in London, you will understand this woman's response, which was to stop dead in the middle of the road, causing a jam which stretched to the moon and back.

She explained to a quizzical policeperson that she did not want to go to Jersey and he related the news that as she was in a one-way traffic system, she had no choice, but where there is a will, there is a way.

Her way was to turn her car around and start driving into oncoming traffic as though she was in one of those Bourne films. The police tried to stop her and one was hit for his trouble.

She was successfully apprehended some while later, after running a red light, and was charged with assault, unlawful fleeing and breaking a whole host of other traffic laws, some of which had to be invented just for her.

Meanwhile, in Austria a couple were driving through the picturesque north-west of the country, somewhat naked from the waist down.

They were "enjoying themselves" when a deer stepped out into the road and the male driver was forced to brake the car violently, which in turn caused his lady friend to accidentally bite down on his personal area.

An ambulance rushed to the scene after a frantic call reporting a tooth related intimate injury following a car crash, which must have been a first for Austria, but which is probably routine in New Jersey.

The local paper, which is called The Local, assured its readers that any damage was superficial and he should be back in working order by the time you read this.

The moral of these two stories is the same: take the bus.

For your comfort and safety, neither of those two stories appear in my new podcast, which you can find by clicking here.