The lost art of pub etiquette: From improper queuing to rogue Guinness orderers - a plea for proper pint protocol

28 June 2024, 10:25 | Updated: 28 June 2024, 11:04

By EJ Ward

There's nothing quite like a good pub - the warm atmosphere, the camaraderie (or solace in some cases), the perfect pint.

As someone who frequents pubs to unwind and escape the daily grind, I've lately noticed some worrying trends that threaten to spoil this beloved British institution.

I love nothing more than to nip down to my local, tuck myself away in a quiet corner with a book, switch off my work phone, and escape from the news for a while. It's this simple pleasure that's increasingly under threat.

First, let's talk about the bar queue. You know the type - they form a long, snaking line as if they're queueing for a theme park ride, completely ignoring the rest of the bar's length.

This isn't the post office, chaps. The bar is designed to accommodate multiple punters simultaneously. Spread out and use the full width! Not only will this speed up service, but it'll also stop that bottleneck by the door.

Then there are those who seem to have forgotten the primary purpose of a pub. I'm looking at you, coffee orderers.

When did pubs become glorified cafes? There's a time and place for your flat white, and it's not while the rest of us are trying to enjoy a proper pint. Not only is the espresso machine's hissing and grinding the last thing I want to hear when I'm settling in for a relaxing drink, but making these complicated coffee concoctions takes an age.

While you're waiting for your barista-level beverage, the rest of us are queueing up, our thirsts growing by the second. Pubs are for pints, not lattes – let's keep it that way (most pubs now have a decent range of soft drinks, or non-alcoholic beers you can enjoy).

Please treat that coffee machine as being for display purposes only.

I can spot a rookie pub user in a heartbeat, watching people walk in and dither by the door, casting their eyes around for a staff member and then asking if they can sit anywhere!

Yes, it's a pub! My local has around 50 tables, and they are not all in use. It's not the Ritz, you don't need a reservation and someone to seat you. Rank pub amateurs!

And don't get me started on the rogue Guinness orderers.

You know who you are - those who wait until the very end of a complicated order to casually add, "Oh, and a pint of Guinness." Have you forgotten that the perfect pour takes time? Order it first, for goodness' sake, and let the bartender start that settling process while they deal with the rest of your order.

Perhaps the worst offence is treating the pub like your personal office or living room. I've seen people sprawled across tables meant for six, laptops out, papers everywhere, nursing a single half-pint for hours.

Let's remember what makes pubs special - the simple pleasure of a good drink in good company, and a place to unwind from the stresses of daily life.

So next time you're at the bar, spread out, order a proper drink (Guinness first!), and for heaven's sake, leave the laptop at home.

Your fellow customers, just looking for a bit of peace and a pint, will thank you.