'I'm not good enough': My undiagnosed ADHD made every day at work a battle
22 October 2024, 13:09 | Updated: 22 October 2024, 13:41
Before my diagnosis I worked at an investment management company as a research associate.
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It was a high-powered job in the heart of the City of London. I worked incredibly hard to get the job – it took me 11 interviews to secure the role! I earned my place, but I always felt a sense of imposter syndrome. I would ask myself, “how did I end up here, can I really do this?”
More and more I felt like I was struggling. I was intelligent, just like everyone else but for some reason unbeknown to me, I couldn’t keep up with everyone else. The open-plan office meant it was loud and I would easily get distracted by people walking past or up to my desk.
Putting headphones in did help but only for a little while… Seeing people walk past or feeling the vibrations of people walking past me would be distracting. I was trying to work under constant stimulation and many times I felt like I wanted to smash my head on the table. I would hide in the disabled toilet to just get some quiet, sit on the floor and cry or take a quick nap. I was so overwhelmed and started saying to myself “I'm not good enough for this job. I can’t do it.”
My employer communicated to me that I was not at the level that I needed to be, I didn't realise I was underperforming because I was just struggling so much and knew something bigger was going on.
At the same time, I went into hyperfocus – I needed to know what was going on. I found the signs and symptoms of ADHD: impulsivity, the lack of focus, inability to relax and sense of overwhelm. It explained everything.
As women, society makes us feel like we have to act a certain way and for women with ADHD that leads us to mask who we really are. I am not allowed to be energetic or loud because that’s not “ladylike”. Masking made me exhausted at work and feeling burnt out 24/7.
Now I continue to unmask my ADHD and show my true self – my best self – to help others around me see the power in being yourself!
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Kim is proud to be an ambassador for The Staring Back at Me campaign which is initiated and funded by Takeda. You can find out more about the signs and symptoms of ADHD and resources to support employees at www.staringbackatme.org.uk.
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